OK, so you know how during the holidays, you just can’t wait to sink your teeth into all of that fab food? Food that can make you big as a house ’cause everything’s so rich or buttery or sweet or fatty or, or, or, oh my…devilishly good? And how during the first part of the holiday, you want it all, then after about the 2nd or 3rd day, you start to hate the sight of it so bad that when yo momma be cookin’ up turkey scrambled eggs and all, all you want is a pizza?
Well, I’m startin’ to feel that way about the news. It’s like they gettin’ to resemble a deep dark chocolate cake with a side o’ ice cream, or stuffin’ with oysters or chestnuts or worse, some luscious three cheese mac ‘n cheese just ooozin’ all over the place or…mmmm… Whew! I need a minute.
Anyway, like I was sayin’…
The news was makin’ me fat, chile. Had my cholesterol so steady risin’ from all the Presidential transition this, that, data whatnot, horror scary stock market ups, downs, assassination threats, GM sinkin’ , and “is the Hill gonna be Sec of State” hullabaloo, that I was ’bout to have to get on a heart healthy program. It was crazy.
So, I decided to go on a news diet and felt that if I just had to watch anything news-like, I could hang out on the entertainment folks channel and get my sweet on. Besides, I thought it’d be fun to catch up on my Brangelina or the real Mr. and Mrs. Smith, or, Lawd give me strength, what little Suri Cruise was fixin’ to wear next. (Even though paradin’ yo’ child in front o’ cameras to prove somehin’ to folk ain’t cool, but that’s another dish o’ french fries.)
Anyway…
One day, I was just a jonesin’ for a little news dessert, so I clicked a little dishy TV on and sat back. All expectin’ to have me a giggle at all those Hollywood folk, and get revved up for some Thanksgiving movie-goin’. (I love to catch a good ole movie with all my kin during the holidays.)
Side Bar:
Oh uh, on that note. My dear brothas and sistas, can we all come to an agreement this holiday season that we gone eradicate and eliminate the shoutin’ out at the multiplex situation that seems to be gettin’ quite out of hand? Can we all get behind that campaign? I mean, we did manage to help get fine lookin’ Mr. O-soon-to-b-P elected, so surely we can all make it through a whole movie without gettin’ to the end and bein’ confused ’cause we missed an important line in the middle of the thing, ’cause Tookie and Pop Bottle and ‘em was too busy tryin’ to tell the lady on the screen to look behind her and run instead of allowin’ us to partake of the voiceover. Can we please make this happen? Somehow, I just know we can. Perhaps through prayer.
Let us pray:
Dear Lord,
Please give me the strength not to end up in jail like years before ’cause I got a short fuse and my peeps stretch my patience when they come in late and stand in front of my seat too long so I miss half the film. And when they gotta talk on they cell phone and actually be describin’ the movie while we tryin’ to watch it, please stay my hand and help me to remember that in section 12, paragraph 45, of NC state law, it is a felony to beat somebody down with a bucket of popcorn, extra butter and/or pour a diet Coke on them while yankin’ out they cheap weave.
Amen.
Back to it…
So, there I am watchin’ those gossipy shows that got E or Edition or something like in the title when…
Hmmm… Is this the right channel?
I check my guide. OK, it’s right. Maybe that was just a little snippet or something. They probably gonna get to the Twilight reviews or Madonna any minute now.
Hmmm… There it goes again.
I recheck my guide and sure enough, again, I was right. This was the place where folks was supposed to get all they entertainment news and such.
Well, what’s this?…
I try another channel that has a more Insider’s view, thinking for sure this would satisfy, but… Oh no! They was doin’ the same stuff too! I couldn’t believe it. It was too much.
I tried another and another and another. I even went cable with it, to try and find me a fix, but I was rebuffed ev’ry time.
Now, I know I promised I wouldn’t get into the middle of this, and I swore I would not go there because it is all such a slippery slope and somebody could accuse me o’ some things, but chile, I just can’t hold my tongue no longer. So, here it is laid out:
WOULD YOU TV NEWS PEOPLE PLEASE QUIT TRIPPIN’ AND REPORT THE ACTUAL NEWS ALREADY? AND WOULD YOU ENTERTAINMENT TV NEWS PEOPLE PLEASE STOP TRYIN’ TO REPORT THE ACTUAL NEWS AND STICK TO ENTERTAINMENT TV NEWS OR GOSSIP? I MEAN, CAN Y’ALL GIVE A SISTA A BREAK?! HUH? CAN YOU? MY GOODNESS!!! WHAT IS THE PROBLEM HERE?
I turn on the set for a little background fluff and all I hear is E TV tryin’ to talk deep like they CNN or MSNBC or somethin’. I figure, damn, it must be one hell of a news day if they got so much serious journalism to go around, that the gossip/entertainment folk is speculatin’ ’bout the economy and Mr. O-soon-to-b-P’s economic advisers and on and on. Meanwhile, when I turn to what’s supposed to be the actual real news, they doin’ an hour long special on hypo-allergenic puppy dogs and a behind the scenes look at Mrs. First Sista O’s wardrobe and how what she gonna wear come Jan 20 could foreshadow how the economy in 2009 gonna be.
Is all o’ y’all done gone plum crazy?!
STOP THE MADNESS!
Now, I realize that you TV news folk need to counter all of your Mr. O-gonna-b-P footage with somethin’ that the Reps can look at for a bit longer while they calm they nerves and such and get used to the fact that Mr. O gone be our Mr. P, but ain’t they done yet? Come on, already. Do I need to start crank callin’ the networks? (And you know I have, can and will!)
Well, do I?
No?
Well then, work with me people!!! For heavens sake, for sanity’s sake, for… (Cue patriotic music.) …America’s sake.
Whew!… Sorry ’bout that, y’all, but it needed sayin’.
Uh, what?…
Too much?…
Oh, I see… So, some of y’all don’t think it matters much what I’m talkin’ ’bout, and you thinkin’ I’m just goin’ on ’bout a whole lot o’ nothin’? Is that what you sayin’?
Ok then, I tell you what, let’s make a deal. You give me the benefit of the doubt, and hear me out, and I promise I won’t say, “I told you so.” when what I’m about to tell you is gonna go down, goes down. OK? ‘Cause I promise you, this stuff is big, chile. It’s way deep down. And all of the TV news mixin’ and matchin’ is just the kick off to the freedom of speech Armageddon.
Ew wee, you should see the looks on some of y’all’s faces. But here it is:
See, our good ole free internet is gonna be on the table soon if it ain’t already, and the game is gonna be all about your privacy up for sale and such. Oh, it’ll be wrapped up in a law that’ll smell and taste just like sugah, chile, but for true, it’ll be a lot more like Splenda, ’cause it’ll be prettied-up legislated morality and what’s so bad is most folks’ll be beggin’ ‘em for it.
But I know some o’ y’all ain’t feelin’ Caramel on this one. You thinkin’ she done read too many conspiracy theories and such, but just wait and see, you hear? ‘Cause I know all those government folk need is one too many phone calls ’bout how the TV news folk, or the TV Entertainment folk done dropped some rumor on the internet to give they little broadcast item some street cred by reportin’ on the same said slanderous lie like it was the real news. Then WHAM!, we’ll have mad serious laws beatin’ free speech on out the door completely. Like a mad pimp with a bad ho, it’ll be.
Don’t think so? Still think I done had too much Kool-Aid? How about a little scenario to help clarify?
____________________________
The Big Star and The One Night Stand:
He’s a high end, top of the box office superstar. The big cheese. He know ev’ry body and ev’rybody want to know him. Why? ‘Cause he run ev’rything he touch and all he touch turn to gold. He’s global, baby, and he can have anything and anyone he wants. And he chose you, you sexy thang.
He shows you a good time. You’re both consentin’ adults, but all he asks is that you keep cool since he’s married or in the closet or in rehab or his publicist don’t want him datin’ white or black or Democrat or…you take your pick. The bottom line is, you can have a ball, but keep your trap shut! And you do, until…
Now, on the other side o’ the tracks is a low income family, fightin’ to keep from starrin’ in a perpetual episode of ‘Good Times’. I mean, they got nothin’, y’all. ‘Cept a few calls from a network TV news monster who, on the sly, is offerin’ them the world as far as they concerned…if they’d only give up the inside scoop on Mr. Big Box Office Superstar and out him but good. See, supposedly, the head of this little low income goodfolk family happened to catch you and Mr. Superstar’s show the other night. Meanin’, he saw Mr. Superstar with the wrong sex, in the wrong spot on the wrong night while he happened to be filmin’ in they little ole town. And even though Mr. Super’s peeps tried to pay folks off and such, they missed Mr. Head of Household hangin’ in the back o’ the place, mindin’ his own business.
That’s when the network TV news folk, who should be reportin’ on more important things like the fact that these goodfolk ’bout to lose they house, choose instead to use the desperate situation this eyewitness finds himself in, to finally get the goods on Mr. Superstar. So they make a offer he simply can’t refuse, and POW!, they got him. Then they can have the proof they need to re-air those naggin’ rumors about Mr. Super again.
(‘Cause they put it out on the internet first, see? Then they can put it on the TV like they reportin’ on somebody’s reportin’. You know, like a blog or somethin’? (wink) Then they can flood the airwaves with all sorts of stuff after that. Why, the network can use it on they’re actual news TV and they’re gossip shows too if they feel like it. The sky’s the limit.)
Meanwhile, all of it rumor, mind you, AND all of it lookin’ totally real. Completely true.
Besides, what difference does it make anyway. No one really differentiates between the two. Most times when folk see somethin’ on TV they believe it. So, if Mr. Superstar hollers, “Foul! Not true!”, it won’t matter, ’cause his credibility will be gone. Afterall, you saw it on the news, right? And they don’t lie, they just report to you what they investigate and uncover.
Meanwhile, those network kings is just as warm as all get out inside, ’cause oh boy, they delight in their hearts, “We can finally call him what he really is. A ___”
_______________
Now why is this so important? I mean, why give a hoot ’bout this silly story. Let that poor family take the money and run. That star’ll spin it and recover. Meanwhile, they can go on with they pile of money and save they’re house. Yeah!
Well, what if I told you that by releasin’ the dish on that superstar, they just invaded your privacy? That they also just changed the way you will vote, shop, eat, dress, and even what you drive, just by releasin’ it?
What if I told you that Mr. Superstar’s not able to overcome the rumor disguised as real journalism, and he goes bankrupt and he finally does somethin’ desperate and floods the internet with anything he can? That he goes nuts with it, pulls any strings he has left. That he fights and fights to clear his name and prove it’s all not true?
What if I told you that while Mr. Super has slipped many a time, this par-ticular “news” item is a LIE? That he was hangin’ out with you sexy thang, remember? Not in a joint doin’ PDA’s with some random townie? And that he doesn’t succeed in clearin’ his name? What’s your take on that, huh?
Maybe it’s: “So what, serves him right. Celebrities think they can do anything and get away with it. I’m sick of the constant parade of disasters. Drugs, sex, scandal, immorality… Mr. Superstar should be outed and held accountable. All of them should.”
Accept for one thing. Whether it’s right or wrong, all is quiet,..until he sues.
See, he takes what little he has left, and he decides to hire a lawyer and sue the network, the websites, the blogs and anyone else he can find out was involved in his destruction. They all laugh until…
He wins.
And BTW, when he does…You lose.
Why?
The precedent set by this case snowballs and becomes a weapon to get the matter back in front of the Supreme Court of the land who, finally, gets to pass a law that allows the “mild” censorship of all TV news and original programming (even more than they were already). Let’s say they call it, “Positive Programming” or something like “Network Neutrality.”
Now, comes the cream. See, this little law also gets to add a bit more kick to it this time, (because remember, that ole TV network, who got the dish on Mr. Superstar from the family, had it’s people drop the bit on the internet first, so they could quote a blog as the source, not the family.) So, now it can “mildly” snip and tuck the internet. Let’s say they call this free speech, blogging, marketing, or anything like, censorship, “The Internet Security Act” or the “Anti-Something Whatnot”, and hence forth proclaim that all computers made from then on will come with pre-installed content control software etc.
(And for those of you what think I need my head examined, take a look at the BEEP that happens when you’re watchin’ TV and someone says a “bad” word, or broadcast delay so they can pull something that they deem “bad” for you to see. And there’s more. You may not notice it as much, or even think it’s “bad”, but it’s still censorship, Chile.)
You followin’ me?… Still think it’s not a big thing?
So, you say. In fact, you kind of feel safer. Afterall, you have kids and you worry when they’re on the big ole web. There are predators and pornography and Lawd knows what else. Maybe it’s a good idea. Surely, the government doesn’t give a rip what I do, just the “bad” sites will be affected. And they should be! This is something for our protection against predators, terrorists, pedophiles, and, and…
You’re not gonna make me change my mind, Caramel, so lay off!!!
Until…
You try to write something or send a joke, or even just log onto a website that you think is no big deal and you get an ERROR MESSAGE and a WARNING to cease. You try to send your joke or log on again. You get the same message. You back off. Oh well. You decide to go ahead and download a book you’ve been dying to read, or a video you want to watch later, but the law now deems these items inappropriate based on your states Internet laws and per the contract you signed with your cable company for that “SUPER CHEAP” cable package you got with your phone and Internet and 8 premium channels all for one easy price.
You get another WARNING. This time though, you are informed that your Internet visit is being monitored due to the book’s title or the movie’s R rating and your refusal to type in your private info like SS# or address, birthday and identify yourself via the webcam on your laptop (afterall, they need proof that you are of legal age)…
Do I need to keep goin’? I didn’t think so.
Like I said. You watch. To me, and mind you, I’m just a sweet ole southern berry with teeny tiny thorns, but to me, the mixin’ of the news and entertainment is how the snippin’ away at our freedom is gonna start. Hell, has started. And it’ll happen subtle and fast. There won’t be no viral video on this tip. Trust. The next thing you know, we’ll all be in the mess and be tryin’ to create an underground newspaper or network, dyin’ for to get some real and truthful news. ‘Cause won’t be no way to do it on the web and you shole as hell won’t have no way to see it on the screen. We’ll be censored but good. Shut down, baby. So, you better start your yellin’ now, or you’ll be silenced later.
But, like I said, I ain’t no authority, I’m just a small voice with a big mouth. (uh oh, did I say that out loud? oops.)
Anyway, back to my TV calories…
So, instead of goin’ on and on and gettin’ swole at the shockin’ display of yella journalism I was witnessin’ on my TV that day, I decided to exercise my lovely God given right as an American…
No, I didn’t write my Congressman, or try to ring up Mr. O-soon-to-b-P and get him to do somethin’ about it. I didn’t even crank call those networks like I was threatenin’ to. Instead, I did somethin’ so much more powerful ’cause it hit’s ‘em right in the pocketbook…
I turned the damn thing off!
Keep your eyes open, y’all.
And Remember…
The Revolution Will Be Caramelized.
Peace, y’all.
