Ok, I’m gonna come clean.
I mean it.
I’ve been agonizin’ long enough over this and Lawd knows I’ve had my fill of some of y’all sendin’ me emails and comments loaded with subtext. The lot of ya are lousy at hintin’, ok? You stink. So, it’s clear I can’t hide anymore. Truthfully, it weighs me down alot. Just yesterday I got a letter from this young woman who talked about how she’d been carryin’ around the same secret for much of her life and what it’d done to her. Oh, it broke my heart it did, and put a heavy trip on my spirit. Especially when she added how I’d given her the strength to finally step out and be herself. Honey, it was deep. I mean, after that, how could I go on bein’ afraid?
So, here it is…
You ready???
I’m a…nerd.
No wait…
I’m a techno-nerd.
Uh huh. A big one.
And I ain’t just goin’ on like I get into math a little bit or get a tinge of excitement when some new electronic thang makes it’s debut. I’m talkin’ ’bout a full on, deep seated, geekafied hoopin’ and hollerin’ kinda tech love. The kind that makes me sing…
“I got gadgets and gizmos a plenty. I got who’s it’s and what’s it’s galore. You want thing-a-ma-bobs? I got twenty. But who caaares. No big deeeaaal. I want mooorrre! (Note: If any of you put your legs together and sang that like you were ‘The Little Mermaid’, and you ain’t a tween girl who rates that as an old classic, then you ain’t a nerd, chile, you a…uh..tee hee. Don’t be shy sugah. Caramel love y’all!)
Anyway…
So you might ask, “What’s the big deal?” I mean, what does it matter that I felt a tingle when I found out about the iPhone way before the rest of the world. (Long before.) Chile, I was hackin’ for that info like I was bein’ paid to do it. Ha! Uh…but (Note: I did not camp out in no crazy line waitin’ to buy one, ok? Come on now! You can stop the madness right there on that. I can geek out with the best o’ them, but layin’ up on 5th Ave overnight so you can be the first to buy a gadget and you ain’t homeless is just tacky, chile. Southern will always trump Nerd up in chez Caramel, honey. Always and forever.)
Why you laughin’, huh? I said, why you laughin’?
Ok, ok. Fine. But you should know that while you’re snickerin’ at me, you’re also snickerin’ at our future. Meanin’, I’m not alone. Meanin’, someone else who is very important to all of us is a techno-nerd too. Who am I hintin’ at?…
None other than Mr. O-soon-to-b-P.
Uh huh. Yep. He’s a big one. Don’t believe me? Check this:
What normal ev’ryday person who once they done been elected the leader of the free world, is still tryin’ to hold on to they Blackberry? Most folk in that position wouldn’t be worried about gettin’ a constant flow of email to keep up to date. They’d go ahead and figure that since they in the oval O they’d get the news on the fresh tip ev’ry second on the second. But not Mr. O-soon-to-b-P. He’s steady tryin’ to keep his Blackberry even after he takes office on Jan 20. And that, sweeties is a sho nuff techno-nerd playa, people! Accept it. The man wants to hold on to his BB and his internet access with such a vice-like grip, that he remind me of my little play-play cousin when he got told that Santa Claus wasn’t real and nearly lost his mind tryin’ to prove us wrong. Was damn near a forensics expert ‘fore it was over, tryin’ to make us take it back. Mr. O-soon-to-b-P is the same way, comin’ up with all sorts o’ ways to keep his BB. Plus, I just know he’s a Mac Daddy..uh, I mean person. I just know that the White House is gonna have blackberries and apples and any other kind of the newest gadgets invented. It’s that, or he might be re-thinkin the whole shebang! Mmm, hmm, Mrs. O gonna have to sweet talk him for sure, and head him off at the pass in case he have a meltdown once he the Big Mr. P and they swipe his beloved BB.
Hmmm… Will she try to bribe him by allowin’ him secret smokes to ease his BB withdrawals? Hmmm…I wonder.
BTW – Where the funny at? It’s wonderfully delicious how the media for the most part have refrained from actually callin’ it his Crackberry or tyin’ in the fact that he’s a smoker. Somewhere in there is one hell of a joke that will never be written. Pity they can’t bust all out on this one. I’d have liked to see one o’ those late nite jokas try to keep it PC and still be funny. ‘Cause face it, regular peeps that don’t own one just love to make fun of us BB users. And one of they favorite little silly side swipes is just about always got the word ‘Crackberry’ as the punchline.
(‘Course they do have a mild point with that. My BB crashed once and I just about broke my legs runnin’ to the phone hospital to beg for some help. Like it was a child I was rushin’ to the ER. And nearly put a hurtin’ on this smart mouthed geek when he swore they couldn’t get all of the contact info back. Chile, I went behind the desk and was ’bout to fix it myself ‘fore the manager informed me “visually” that he didn’t mind strikin’ a woman. Yeah. Balled his little fist right on up. That’s when I informed him “visually” that hittin’ a Korean wouldn’t hurt my feelin’s at tall either. Mmm hmm, that’s right. I may be a techno-n, but I’m a t-n of color, chile! Ok, maybe the jokas do have a bit more than a mild point afterall. Whatever!)
Anyway, back to it…
So, what’s this gonna be like if Mr. O-soon-to-b-P gets to keep his Crackberry, cigarettes and be President all at the same time? Will it all be too much for America? I mean, what will it look like?
Will he be layin’ an email on the Prime Minister while he catches a smoke break? Will he be textin’ the Hill in Afghanistan, givin’ her permission to bust a cap up in some asses if needed.
“H- tel m i ain’t playn! -O”
Then celebrate with one or two puffs off of his one daily rationed fire-stick?
Will he be clickin’ a cute pic of Mrs. O sleepin’ or uploadin’ an HD video from his Flip to his You-tube site hopin’ it’ll go viral? (Hey, maybe they can use the site stats for poll numbers?) Will the UN get an Evite when he wants to run some new thang by them? Or will he have sore thumbs from typin’ out his State o’ the Union address notes to his communications staff? Hmmm… That could be very tricky. Someone could misread his meanin’ in one of his cyber connections. I mean, I almost messed up a relationship once ’cause of a mis-spelled word and a comma in the wrong place. (Hey, it can happen, chile.)
And here’s a big Q: Will his approval rating be based more on how many hits his website gets or the traditional BS they usually use? And if so, what will all of those folks that usually do that job be usin’ to do their old job in the new way? They can regulate the web so well these days, they can practically watch you typin’ on your laptop by your webcam. Could we be headed for a complete cyber government led by voter profiling based on what sites you visit and/or your comments re Mr. O-soon-to-b-P’s hot new webisodes?
Huh? Could we be???…..
No.
How do I know this? Well, two things:
One: Our new President is a smoker, which means he’s not perfect. And not perfect people do not help create cyber governments, robots in the movies do.
Two: Our new President is a nerd with a very beautiful wife, which means he’s super smart and handsome, but he’s still two steps away from sportin’ a pocket protector, so not perfect. And super smart, handsome, but two steps away from geekdom, not perfect people do not help create cyber governments, robots in the movies do.
Seriously. Relax. This is all just speculatin’.
Actually, more than the fact that some folk are worried how he might inadvertently spill some important info while textin’. Or that it can be used as a tracking device or worse, a detonator. The biggest concern should be his carrier. I mean, if he should run into some glitches or, like me, his BB breaks or somethin’, what’s he gonna do if he calls, let’s say, Sprint, and he gets Lashandra on a bad day? What if she don’t feel like correctin’ a mistake on his bill or reimbursin’ him for lost time when the service went down for that brief 2 hours while they updated the system? I mean, if his call ok-ing an important meeting to agree to a peace agreement is cut off before he can agree…peacefully? Do he get to bomb Sprint? Or do they get to keep on treatin’ they customers like trash! Can somebody answer me that?!!
Uh…sorry ’bout that…didn’t mean to switch it over to me. (Note: Sprint is just “for example.” I ain’t with those tired triflin’ people no more!)
Anyway…
That’s my question. Who will be his carrier? And will he get a better rate than me?
Hmmm….I did it again, didn’t I. I made it about me and not him. Ok, here’s my point:
Why don’t they just create a Presidential Blackberry so the man can have his toy! Lawd have mercy! And since he’s gonna inherit a truckload of “Holy shit!” when he takes office, can’t we all let a brotha have a few flaws, you know what I’m sayin’? Maybe turn and ignore a cig from time to time so he won’t be holdin’ the clutch too tight? Can’t we all get behind that? Come on, y’all! ‘Cause I’ll tell ya somethin’ honey chile, I used to smoke and I have a BB, and quittin’ one o’ those was bad enough. So, I know if folks was askin’ me to clean up a messy war in Iraq, fix the economy, deal with Afghanistan, help Africa, get the car companies to go green, find a hypo-allergenic puppy-dog, save healthcare, keep my wife smilin’, make America proud, and give up both my Crack-B and cigs too, it would not be pretty, you hear me?! Do you understand what I’m gettin’ at?
It’d be war.
When somethin’ is so deep and you sum it up tight like I just meant to do above, my good friend Chocolate says,
“Hai what?!…..Hai-ku, baby.”
So I repeat:
…, I know if folks was askin’ me to clean up a messy war in Iraq, fix the economy, deal with Afghanistan, help Africa, get the car companies to go green, find a hypo-allergenic puppy-dog, save healthcare, keep my wife smilin’, make America proud, and give up both my Crack-B and cigs too, it would not be pretty, you hear me?! Do you understand what I’m gettin’ at?
It’d be war.
“Hai what?…..Hai-ku, baby.” And that’s a fact!
And Remember…
The Revolution Will Be Caramelized.
Peace, y’all.
