TO:
All White House Staff
RE:
EXECUTIVE ORDER NO. 20090807 *aka* The “Oh Yes We Had Better Can Be Able To Get Online and Upload and Download and Anything Else I Frakin’ Wanna Do Up In Here Right Now, OK?!!!” EXECUTIVE ORDER
______________________
Dear Staff:
Due to the fact that when I turned on the computer in the Oval Office a prehistoric bird lit a candle and started jogging on a treadmill to make it run (a la The Flintstones), I’ve decided to create a new Executive Order to remedy this sad ass sitchiation. So, I am signing and therefore putting into immediate action, Executive Order No. 20090807.
What does this mean?
Well, Executive Order No. 20090807 means WE’S GETTIN’ NEW COMPUTERS AND LAPTOPS AND WEBSITES FOR THE WHOLE STINKIN’ JOINT!!
That’s right. We ain’t goin’ out soft. Not on my watch, people.
Realizing that those of you of the Republican persuasion have been worrying yourselves silly about the security issues surrounding my mulatto self and my penchant for my Blackberry and all things digital, I have graciously added a little something special for you. Executive Order No. 20090807 also commissions the Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter security teams to help us in keeping America safe. If an enemy tries to hack into our systems, the security team, pretending to be a long lost classmate of the terrorist, will befriend them, then send a nasty virus via a Funslide message or Myspace bulletin. (I can tell you from experience that this is far from pleasant.) For those especially tricky bastards who don’t know when to quit, the security team will send a Trojan virus dressed up as an innocuous tag from Twitter that will obliterate their entire hard drive and crush their rebellion in one fell swoop!
How you like them apples?!
I think you’ll agree that, that is…uh…the bomb. (No pun intended.)
Oh, and to the rest of you. For my Dem peeps and the few that’s still in the middle, but in my camp, I want you to know I haven’t forgotten you either. That’s why in the spirit of bipartisanship…
WE’S GOIN’ MAC!! Yeah!
(Except for the Mainframe computer that we use for things like the Highest Security Top Level Secret stuff. We’re staying PC there. Why? Windows Vista. Trust me, they ain’t breakin’ into that. If a bad guy can break through and understand Windows Vista enough to work it and access our mainframe, then, shit, they can have the intel. I hope you’re with me on this, Joint Chiefs. Sorry, Bill.)
Once signed, the transition process should take about 24 hours, then we’ll be up and running. For those of you with questions, please direct these to the Apple Specialist Liaison’s Office, tentatively set up in the Roosevelt Room. Once the West Wing Apple Store officially opens, you can then schedule Genius Bar appointments as needed via the website.
This is an exciting time. I hope you’ll enjoy these wonderful new changes as much as I will and will accept my friend requests.
Sincerely,
POTUS
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Check this out:
Computer Blues
And Remember…
The Revolution Will Be Caramelized.
Peace, y’all.
